Category Archives: whining

today has been better

I always feel like I should do a followup post after a very negative one. Especially since my mom’ll be back from India soon and will read this again. She’ll think the world has ended if I leave something unhappy lying around for too long.

Today I got my car towed to the dealership in Courtenay. They’ll look after it and call me about whatever needs doing to get the car running again. It’s out of my hands now till the bill has to be paid. And I have to get down to Courtenay to get my car back. Whatever.

It’s sunny and I bought Neil Gaiman’s new picturebook about a sneezing panda.

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my name is not alexander…

… but I had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It’s “cold” here this week, meaning it’s gone all the way down to -3C. But today was the day I was heading over to Quadra, and when I do that, I take my car. The car was covered in frost because I hadn’t driven it for a couple of weeks so I had to scrape the windshield and everything, like it was winter. I had the car running while I did that. Once it was scraped I went back to my apartment to grab my books, music and coffee and headed to work.

The plan was to stop at the library, grab a few boxes of books and then get on the ferry. But when I got down the steep hill of our parking lot I had to wait to turn left onto the road. And then my car stalled. And then I tried to start it. And then it wouldn’t. So there I was, blocking our complex’s entrance with a car that wouldn’t move. It had worked well enough to get me down the hill but now I was on my own.

It’s a standard and not a very big car so I figured I’d just put it in neutral and roll it out of the driveway (pushing it back up the hill to my parking spot was obviously not going to happen). But a car is still much more than I can push while trying to steer it. I got it a couple of inches before hitting a bump the car was perfectly happy to rest against. At that point a guy who was coming into the parking lot helped me by pushing the car while I steered it to the side of the road.

Then I ran to work. I was there late by this point and our other librarian was busy with a question and our manager’s office was closed so I had nowhere to actually be except other people’s workstations. From one of those I looked up the number for BCAA roadside assistance and called.

My complete inability to know anything about a car or the things you need to know about cars then overwhelmed me. I didn’t know my BCAA number because I haven’t received my card in the mail yet and apparently you have to sign up for online access to your account separately, because that internet thing is just a passing fad, so I couldn’t find it in my email. The operator asked if I needed a boost or a tow. I didn’t know. The car ran and then it stopped. I don’t know what that requires.

They sent a tow truck to boost and then tow if necessary. They’d call five minutes before it got there. The tow truck called and asked where I’d need to be towed to. I had no fucking clue. It’s not like I know any mechanics here. I hoped it just needed a boost.

The tow truck arrived and my (factory) car alarm went off. I could not shut it down (it stopped by itself after 30 seconds). I could not find the hood release. I did not know where the battery was in a VW (it has a plastic cover – the tow truck guy found it). I did not know what my role was in being the boostee. If I tried starting too soon would I wreck something? Should I wait for some signal? The signal to try starting it turned out to be the tow truck guy getting exasperated with the moron he was helping.

The car started and he told me to make sure to let it run for 20 minutes. I agreed that was a good idea and sat in the car as he drove away. Two minutes later it died again. So I went back to work.

The other librarian went to Quadra even though it was two ferries later and made it so she couldn’t really get anything done there or here. I could have gone as a walk-on, but then I couldn’t have brought any boxes of books with me. Which is why I “need a car” for this job. I don’t “need a car” to get to work, just to haul work’s shit around for it.

Later I went and tried starting the car again, without a boost. It started but then died after 4 minutes of idling. That time I was paying attention to the dashboard and saw which lights went on just before it died. So I guess tomorrow I need to get it towed to Courtenay where the dealership will know what to do with it.

All of that was frustrating as fuck and has done nothing to make me happier about owning this stupid vehicle. It’s not as terrible a thing as the condo was (which I have to remind myself about – I am not as unhappy now as I was when I was trying to get out from under that awful decision) but I hate it. When something breaks on a bicycle I can see what the problem is, find a YouTube tutorial and (maybe) fix it. When something breaks on a car I can be fucking helpless.

Now, all of this would be frustrating but tolerable if I was somewhere I knew people. Where I could call a buddy up to give me a boost and a bit of advice. Where tomorrow I could go for breakfast with people and gripe a bit but then get on with things. Go play train games on Sunday afternoon or something. Instead I’ll do all this shit by myself and pay too much because that’s what knowing shit-all about this stupid machine costs.

I like seeing water and mountains from my apartment. I love that a cold snap here is -3C. I like my job well enough. But today I’d trade all those for people to play games with and who’d pick me up when it’s too cold to ride my bike.

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and it all went smoothly

I feel like I have to write the kinds of things like I did yesterday to get all the crap I can see possibly going wrong out in the open. To be able to look at the reasons I’m turning into a little ball of stress. And then, somehow, nothing I expect to happen does and it all works out fine.

I’ve gotten a lot better about letting things work themselves out than I used to be, even if I still tense up as my plans get more and more untenable. I still need to prepare the way I do, I think. I catch too many little snags that could mess things up otherwise. But I’m happy I’ve matured to the point where I can be all frustrated with how nothing is going to work, do as much useful prep as possible and then still sleep. Sleep solves so many problems. For me. Because my problems are small annoyances and nothing really important.

I own a car now and will be driving to Nanaimo in it tomorrow. Which is weird. But fine.

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i hate confluences of circumstances

I need to go to an orientation in another town 150km away on Wednesday. That begins at 9am. There is no public transportation to that town for 9am. So I will rent a car. Oh no wait. That means I would have to leave at 7 or 7:30am and the car rental place opens at 9am. So I will rent a car the night before. And park it out on the street somewhere because I have no parking spot at my apartment. Oh but I will be back here after 5:30pm so the car rental place will be closed again. So I will park it on the street somewhere a second night. This adds a lot to the cost, but the company is paying for it.

I think I should buy a car. I’ve thought it would be useful in a small town. I see a car I like. I arrange to buy it. The money is transferred from one account to another of mine in preparation. I go to the bank machine to remove the prepared money to give to the lady who is selling me her car. The money is not there. I have to go to the bank when it opens to find out why the money is not there. The bank opens at 9:30am. No big deal. I can rent a car for my trip.

Oh, but the bank calls and asks about suspicious charges on my Mastercard. The bank is sure they are fraudulent and I agree. The bank clears up the matter and says they will send me a new card and that I can’t use my old one any more.

The car rental place does not take debit. The car rental place does not take Visa internet debit cards either. The car rental place will not rent me a car without a credit card, which, as of now I don’t have until the new one arrives.

Buying a car becomes more important if I am going to get to my orientation. But the money is still not in the account I told it to be in. I need to talk to the bank, where of course it will all be resolved quickly and simply and I will be able to bicycle with the money to the place where my soon-to-be car is to give them the money to get the insurance papers and go to work for eight hours and get the registration transferred in the middle and bicycle back up the hill to get a car.

All in a day like tomorrow. Because everything will work out so smoothly.

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job hunting (or: a quarter of my waking life)

I have not been posting much this month because I have become crazy busy with my last bit of school and with trying unsuccessfully to find a job. Last year I got a co-op job really easily so I guess I shouldn’t be complaining too much yet.

But man, there were 50 applicants for a Casual Children’s Librarian position. Casual. No guaranteed hours. I got an interview for that job, my only one so far in Vancouver, and I kind of sort of knew the head of Youth Services there. The job went to someone with much more experience than me. Because there are so many librarians out there looking for work.

I knew this would suck, but I thought I was pretty good at this librarian thing and I’d be okay. I still hope that. In 2006 it was four months before I got my job at the library, which wasn’t so bad. But my rent then was a third of what I pay now.

Since I don’t actually have to live anywhere specific, it’s going to be increasingly stupid for me to stay in Vancouver with no income. I wish I’d been able to live here as an employed person. It probably would have been more fun. Though it’s not like anywhere else is some librarian promised land. (I have applied in Calgary.)

I figure that once this month of too much work is done I guess I’ll start looking at jobs in the land of no healthcare and shittier wages. I have enough airmiles to do two North American return flights so I could even do a couple of non-Skype interviews before traversing the continent. Hooray.

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the studenty life

Today I gathered texts for assignments all day. Woo. Our management class has its first assignment due in a couple of weeks, and that requires a whole hell of a lot of books on management and economics and libraries to be annotated for a bibliography. Don’t you wish you were in library school?

Doing this kind of thing is much easier than I imagine it used to be when you couldn’t lie in bed with your laptop all day, reserving books from all over the area to be delivered to places conducive to being picked up, or just getting the documents loaded onto your computer. I did go out to the VPL to grab a stack of books. Just for the thrill of going to the library and hurting my shoulder by overloading my bag.

And I did laundry and bought groceries. Wee. Exciting. Aren’t you glad I’m writing about this?

So many of my classmates seem so much more busy than me. All with their multiple jobs and things. I’ve just got my classes and the assignments, which I might as well do now since maybe I’ll be getting a job at some point to cut into my schoolwork time. This term I don’t have any pressing reason to get my school stuff done early, but I’ve kind of gotten the habit started so it seems better to be working on that stuff than not. It’s basically procrastination from writing or thinking about the future to be working on homework.

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surrounded by boxes

My first week back at school is done. I still have to have my first Management class on Monday night, and a bunch of meetings that’ll determine how my term’ll go, but it’s been pretty okay.

I got my rental bond refund from the Sydney apartment today so that was nice. There’d been a lot of back and forth with our landlord’s rental agent that had been giving me worries. I know that his parasitic trying to worm an extra hundred dollars out of me while telling me he’d my friend is just his job, but man, does that kind of stuff get me angry. I needed him to sign a form so I could get the bond money back, but he said he couldn’t do it so he’d get the landlord to do it that afternoon and fax it in. A week later I had to call him again to find out why it hadn’t been done and then there were stories of papers getting lost and blah blah blah. I really didn’t want to get mad about the money, but it’s a big enough sum to cover two months of my Vancouver rent.

I hate getting mad about things like that. I mean, I knew I was in the right, and the agent wasn’t doing his job well (or was trying to pull something). But just being right doesn’t mean much at all. I used to be better at dealing with that kind of thing. I think. The condo broke me, made me so unhappy and paranoid when it comes to those kinds of matters. I can still feel it here, like something’s going to happen and I’m going to have to move all my stuff out of this apartment (which I quite like).

All of that to explain why my room still looks like I’m living out of a suitcase. It’s hard to know how much unpacking and settling to do here. I might be staying a long time, but maybe I won’t. In Sydney I lived out of two carryon bags for eight months (the amount of time I have left in this degree), so all the crap strewn about already seems wasteful, and that’s with only one bookcase taken out of storage. But the more you settle in the crappier the moving on later is.

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when you’re out of fuel, i’m still afloat, puking and shivering

Sunday I learned that I like songs about surfing much more than the actual act. There’s something about swallowing all that seawater and relying on my spindly arms for propulsion and being so terribly cold that isn’t really conveyed in the melodies of the Beach Boys.

The members of our house got a deal on surfing lessons and so we took them. At the time Holly said “Really?” when I said I’d try too. And yes, surfing probably was never going to really be for me, but I’m here in Australia and it seemed like something I should do when I’m here. I mean, I haven’t had the chance to manhandle koalas or introduce an invasive species or anything. But surfing I could at least try. Maybe I would really like it.

I didn’t.

It might have been better if I’d had a wetsuit that actually fit me. Supposedly they’re supposed to let a little water in but it gets stuck in there and your body warms it up and you’re all insulated. When you’re skinny and wearing a rented wetsuit that’s flopping around and isn’t close to being tight, the water just flows through and it’s like you’re just splashing around in the cold cold ocean. Which I don’t really do for enjoyment.

I ended up bailing out after being flung around by the sea enough to know that the fleeting moment of being pushed along by the sea trying to touch the moon wasn’t worth the pain and pukiness.

The instructors were good about coming to check on me sitting on the beach and shivering, to make sure I was all right. But the one guy said I would have really enjoyed myself if I’d gone back in. I know myself well enough to be able to call him on that lie, but he was just a twenty-year-old trying to talk about the stuff he loved to do, so I just told him not to worry. I did not explain how little my body and I have in common, and how little trust there is between us, and how that trust was easily shattered and wasn’t going to be repaired by heading out into the ocean again to get even colder.

So yes, I have tried surfing. I don’t live everything completely secondhand. Which was kind of the point of that endeavour.

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brain-weight

I am always completely amazed at how much better I feel when I have written. Today I finished off the first draft of a cataloguing paper (about the challenges of cataloguing webcomics) and while it’s nothing crazy impressive, I learned some shit and have some stuff written about what I learned. And my mood? So much better than it was yesterday, or all last week when I hadn’t written anything on this and was just dreading it.

A while back I was trying to figure out why I was so much less motivated this term with a month left than last term. And the answer was completely to do with the whole leaving for China the day after classes were over. I needed to get everything out of the way so I did. This term there’s cool stuff happening after classes are done (going to Vermont and then to Australia), but nothing I need to push myself right now for. And no Holly waiting for me right on the other side. (She’ll be coming to Oz in July.)

But today I feel good. I wrote a post for Closed Stacks (another library blog I’m contributing to) and a book review. I’ve got business cards in the mail. Tonight I’m going to do some real writing. Oh, and Reyn’s a dad (I saw it on his sister’s Facebook), so congratulations.

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out in the country

On Wednesday Holly and I got up far too early to go out to a school in the nearby town of Lijia for an extremely well-documented bout of “helping the poor children” (ugh). This wasn’t our idea.

There’s a group of outdoorsy type people who started this organization “Twinkling Stars” to raise some money and do some work for kids after the Sichuan earthquake of 2008. They went to the village they were helping and did some good work I guess. Wednesday was their second trip, and first that wasn’t disaster provoked. They’re customers at the bakery and asked Holly to join them.

The idea was that they went to this poor school, brought a bunch of clothes and stuff to give them and then shared their skills. There were maybe fifteen to twenty volunteers. A lot of them were photographers and some of them were taking good pictures of the kids in a class and then would give prints to their parents. There was some sort of gongfu training I think? Holly was brought along to teach English classes to grade four students.

Of course, this being China, any work could only be done after a multi-hour ceremony outside in the cold with speeches and songs and seven year old girls dancing wearing nothing but gauze. It was maybe 6 degrees out. I wept for them.

Twinkling Stars and the school both knew how to stage these things. We got off the bus that brought us a hundred metres away and walked up to the school with the bags of clothes, all the volunteers wearing orange or yellow jackets. Maybe twenty metres from the school gate the road was lined with kids waving tinsel covered hula-hoops and drumming and chanting “Warm Welcome!” A couple of handfuls of cops kept an eye on things.

As the Twinkling Stars headed up to their seats of honour I peeled off of the group. Because Holly is great, she explained away my disappearance nicely. So through the speeches and performances I didn’t have to sit in the cold, but wandered around the fringes with the parents and other villagers. I was accosted by a few people asking me questions I couldn’t answer (my 中文 classes helped very little for this trip) and got mobbed for a photo once.

When Holly got into the classroom she did a lesson on Christmas vocabulary and played games with the kids. I helped with classes two and three after lunch, as I’m a much better classroom assistant than lead teacher. She’s much better at dealing with a classroom than I am.

For lunch we ate from the cafeteria and then had a session of talking about what we’d experienced that morning. It felt like everyone came up and shared sort of prepackaged moments of the touching things they’d learned (of course, I wasn’t actually paying attention and don’t know the language so I’m probably way off). My favourite part of that was when the girl who (I’m told) is a really cool journalist expressed that she’d had some difficulties with her class. People then appeared (to me, not knowing the language) to be berating her and giving her “encouragement” on how to not suck so much. (Again, just my impression.) She looked like she was going to cry. I just appreciated the idea that someone telling the truth about her experience got jumped on like meat in a tiger pit for not having a warm fuzzy moment.

In the gaps between lunch and classes and between classes and waiting for our bus to leave, there were piles of kids wanting autographs from all these volunteers (not just Holly and me). It was ridiculous and stupid. For a while we signed some things, Holly and I sending messages to each other on the pages we signed for each kid, but it was endless. And I hated the dynamic of that so much. This faux-rock star thing. Just like the banners and the honourific speeches (which you might remember I dealt with on a trip to the country back in the day). The supplication and demanding something that wouldn’t actually be at all useful for them. “There’s no reason for this!” I wanted to grab kids and yell.

Holly and I agreed to stop signing stuff but still had mobs. Holly could laugh it off when one boy tried to get an autograph out of her by saying “We’re so poor though!” but I didn’t even have the language to tell them what the problem was. I hated the not signing things too. Just all over I detest that power dynamic.

On the ride back to Nanchong Holly and I read chapters of Matilda to each other. That doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but it was my favourite part of the day.

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