Tag Archives: michelle stabler-havener

sex drugs and spoken word

I don’t think I’ve been this blah about returning home in a long time. It’s not like I was out of money. Longer visas than a month are possible. And I wasn’t sick of hanging out with Holly. Ha. But still, here I am. Far away.

We spent New Year’s Eve with our friends Michelle & James in Chengdu. We had dinner at their apartment (which thankfully had the heat on) with a couple of their friends and then went out. There was a Euro techno-style DJ at the place we went, who seemed very good technically, and if I was into that kind of music I probably would have really liked it. There was another foreigner in a red track jacket who was hanging around the DJ a lot, kind of being nosy, like a small dog that wants to see what’s going on. Red jacket was given the chance to spin a few records and well, yeah, it was obvious he’s not super experienced. He fumbled around a bit, not matching things up quite right. But the music he was using was way more to my taste than the first guy. If I saw Red Jacket a year from now I’d probably like him a lot more. But I didn’t see him in the future. I saw him four days ago at the beginning of 2011 when he still sucked.

The male female ratio in our group was skimpy on the estrogenous, and became moreso when Holly and I left around 2 (because Holly’s 1/3 of the female contingent was much more significant than my 1/12 of the male). The first cabdriver wanted to charge us 50Y for a 20Y ride. We were already sitting in the back seat and when he told Holly that the apartment was too far away we got out again to get into the cab behind him. (The second didn’t try anything funny.) The next day James had a theory that that first cabdriver was actually off-duty and just looking for someone the right amount of drunk for something like that to work. And maybe he did. There were a lot of people in that bar.

New Year’s Day we spent reading on the couches of James & Michelle’s. Then we watched Moon. I love that movie so much. And then Holly and I went to the good Turkish restaurant, where the food wasn’t quite as good as the last time we had it, back in the summer, the night before we left for Winnipeg.

And that’s part of the blahness. Last time we parted Holly was heading back to see her family so she was excited. And I was about to move to Vancouver so I had distraction aplenty. This time I just came back to take more courses, which is less new and exciting. Especially since I was prepared at some level to be a library school dropout. Not a really prominent level, obviously. I worry about my inability to make the grand over-the-top gesture of throwing away a career(ish) for love. I mean, it’s probably for the best. Especially when Holly gets here for good, but now at the beginning of the term it just feels crappy.

Anyway, once assignments start piling up, it should be a little distracting, right? At least enough for the next six weeks.

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book review: sun after dark

Sun After Dark, the Pico Iyer book I’d read before thanks to James and Michelle Stabler-Havener, didn’t cause quite the same angst in me that Global Soul did. Primarily because this book was less about some idealized form of human and more about the places he’d been. There are also book reviews in this one wherein he talks about a writer’s disorientating effects and the relentless proof he tries to hold onto. And there are stories of Rapa Nui and Angkor Wat and Pol Pot, and these address some of the worries of the traveller being a colonial force (even if brown-skinned). The essay about Tibet makes sense, especially when coupled with the essay about hanging with the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala.

All in all I liked Sun After Dark much more than Global Soul. It felt less polemic and more story oriented. And it made me want to go to Bolivia without making me want to kill myself for not being there right the fuck now. So that’s a good thing. I guess.

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28b mpc easter

And then there was church in the apartment, run by Michelle. She wanted us to respond to the message of the resurrection and there was a bit of dialogue which revealed how messed up Deb had been recently. And Holly revealed her tough train ride to everyone. And she cried a bit and I felt bad for being less than supportive. Selah.

Easter morning sitting around while the others are at church. With Catherine and Deb, which isn’t exactly who I’d normally end up hanging out with. Oh Deb, who needs to make everything about her and her jerk of a father. Last night in the van coming back from dinner there was a discussion about corporal punishment that turned into Deb talking about being switched when she was 15. Never about why things were happening, just “You broke the rules.” I realize things sucked for her but I have so little sympathy for a person who needs to go on and on and on about their problems. At dinner Catherine talked about how orderly her grandmother died and I mentioned how my grandparents were burned in their home, which made distributing their possessions easy. A clean break of a different sort.

I like Catherine a lot. She’s kind and considerate thoughtful etcetera. She’s had people say offensive things to her all the time. “I can tell by your dog that you won’t worry about having clean children someday.” Though really, the dog is filthy.

It’s funny how Dan and I are sort of ambassadors of the return from North America. When Deb was asked if she’d be back in China she said there was no way. Dan gave her two years. Maybe she’d consider it if she was married she said, but not as a single person. Dan still gave her two years. Karen Beiler’s coming back. I don’t know what it is about being single in China that bothered Deb so much. Maybe just the sense of being alone against a country. And it would be totally unhelpful for me to mention I can’t picture Deb getting married.

The axes she was talking about judging personalities by were Needy and Real. I don’t know her exact definitions but the implication was that she was both. I introduced the Cartesian plane to the mix (with the Fuck Grapefruit comic) and foolishly she asked “Where do you think I fit? No no no don’t answer that.” There was something else she mentioned being written on her forehead in 72 point bold font. Maybe NEEDY maybe not. There was tactful silence by the rest of us around these obviously agreeable statements.

But being back felt exactly the same as never leaving. I didn’t feel bad about that, though I sometimes felt I was a cautionary tale about how useless this time in China was for helping a career. How many times did I explain what my back home process was and how “the world” doesn’t give a shit about my time out here? Which isn’t to say I don’t value it. And why bother with the standards of success anyway? At dinner Julie was saying something about those standards being bunk and I said sometimes I can console myself with that, though often it sounds like a loser’s justification. Which it is. I don’t want to leave Winnipeg to be successful. I want to leave because it’s cold in the winter. That’s all. I want a floating life, drifting and free. Dan talked about nomadism and that’s a dangerous word for me. So romantic. So ignoring of the filth and the stink of the road. I’m carrying a hobo cup with me that clanks along on its carabiner. Hobo at least implies a bit of the dirt I’m feeling coats my fingers and Catherine’s smelly little dog.

When church was done we followed the mob to the Mall Mart where we ate Muslim food again on Easter weekend. The bus to Nanchong was broken and so that crew had to go to Mianyang where William was sure there were hourly buses to Nanchong. There weren’t. Dan texted back saying they’d only be getting out of town at 6:35 so did we want to meet out there for dinner? Back in Jiangyou we were lollygagging the afternoon away watching videos made by Willy G and playing “Guess the ’90s rock band!” All the goodbyes had been said back at the bus stop after Todd lured us over to see what songs were being performed in the middle school English song competition. Only one “My Heart Will Go On.” There were hugs and waves and all that which wouldn’t quite get repeated when we met again at Grandma’s in Mianyang by the iron cow (Tie Niu). There we just let them walk away with a wave. I’ll be heading west and might see Todd soonish. These are hardly last goodbyes.

The secret Holly shared with us in William’s room after Catherine left to pack and nap was that she doesn’t like Jiaozi. A partial second passed when I thought she meant the food, but really, it’s Catherine’s dirty little dog. He’s very poorly behaved and his sitting on/next to Holly through the Saturday worship gave her the sense that she stunk of dog. Back in Canada I usually don’t think of little dogs being dirty. Dogs like my mom’s. So there’s not so much concern with the dog sitting on your lap or being on the couch or whatever. Jiaozi though is a filthy ambassador of the Chinese gutter who probably shouldn’t be touched by people with poor immune systems. William didn’t want him on his bed either and I lay no blame for that. But. There’s obviously a lot of love between Catherine and her mutt, so it’s not all bad. He was brought along so Holly would get a chance to meet him for the very first and last time, since he won’t be going back to New Zealand. With Johnny we joked that the dog should be named Mafan (trouble).

William songed us all the way down to the bus station which was nice. He’s considerate that way. On one morning, Sunday I suppose, when we were walking to the 3rd floor apartment he expressed regret our MPC terms didn’t overlap and I agreed. We would have had fun like we did with Phil. I miss the kind of structure that life had. Looking forward to SLP and PIC and Easter and Thanksgiving and heading places to see your friends because you had the money and could handle getting the time. It’s sad how much harder it is to create things to look forward to. I suppose that’s what event movies and music festivals are for. Though this year I’m not really looking forward to Folk Fest that much. Here we actually got together to sit around and talk about stuff. Like Sean and I often do on a Thursday night I suppose. But the idea of talking about life/god/meaning isn’t what we get down to in our Tuesday gaming sessions. Not that I’d really want it to. That’s what happens far from home, I guess?

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28a jiangyou

When we got off the train it was a bit earlier than scheduled, so we had a few minutes in the dark outside the train station before Todd showed up. There wasn’t anyone trying to take us anywhere which was nice, peaceful. We could idly guess if Todd was at the Jiu Dian or the Bing Guan. It turned out he was at the Bing Guan which wasn’t as seedy as it appeared at first glance. Even silhouetted in mercury vapour you could tell when Todd was coming. His height helps. And his ambling kind of walk. And his jacket. He arrived and we headed back to his room for chatting purposes.

We ranged over a host of subjects including Neil Gaiman and his time in China with Todd, what’s been happening on my travels and stories of library paging, which Todd did all through high school. Deb later revealed that she’d been a page too, as had Michelle and Phil Bender. Very strange but indicative of what a transitory job this can be. Good to know I guess.

After an hour and a half (the electronic chimes following the pattern of the bells at St. John’s college only began marking the hours at 7am) we got in a couple of cabs to head down to the college. Oh, right we picked up James & Michelle & Deb too. James is so easy for me to get along with, or at least be clever with, which may only be a substitute. Once here we met Darryl and had breakfast and sat. We talked cameras and stories were shared about whatever. “When spring comes the pretty girls come out,” said someone who was quoting their students. “Just add water,” someone else added. “And evening is when the pregnant women come out,” said another person. “Just add…” said I. Chuckles abounded.

It felt very natural hanging around here with these people. Lots like I’d never left. Holly said it’s taken her a few years for her to realize this is her family. Maybe she’s right. Maybe we needed this time this longer term. But that’s just a couple of friendships. I don’t know where I’m going with this. All this talk in the next room (Julie’s asking Catherine if the guys feel any connection between their personal lives and their Christian lives. Now she’s asking “Why have we allowed society to value what success is?) makes me worry I’m not done with the past that may not be done with me.

I met William this morning and though Holly tells me our theology is vastly different and I shouldn’t ask what he’s reading if I don’t want to get angry, I like him. He’s got this grinning laugh and joking manner I get along well with. He’s sort of a funnier Jared, or at least trying to be. And he’s got that Sean loudness to him to talk back to the starers and Nihaoers which I like. It makes me laugh which is all I really want. I feel like (theology aside) we could have been great friends if our CEE/MPC times had overlapped. Way more than me and Dan. This afternoon he was talking about his classes and what is good and what his troubles are and my brain just shuts off. Maybe it’s that he’s boring. I don’t quite know. We should be better friends. We have similar interests. But I suppose interests aren’t everything.

William led the bike tour of Jiangyou after much searching for bicycles. The place with the tandem and tridem bikes had already rented out their tallest ones. At another place “less than a mile” up the road we dug through the tarps and back rooms for suitable cycles. They weren’t as good as they could have been but they were worth the 1RMB ($0.17) I paid for the afternoon. We rode through muck and up roads through canola fields (small ones, dare I use the word agrarian?), William guiding us on the route he’d planned out the week before. I love Chinese bicycles in their gearlessness and knee-hurtingness. We can go slowly and not worry.

We curved by the coal power plant with its huge cooling towers (I was singing that song from the Simpsons power plant strike “And we’ll march day and night/by the old cooling tower/They have the plan/but we have the power” over and over while we stopped in our flocks and took pictures.) We arrived at a soysauce plant and Phil tried to get samples and Holly got used to Sichuanhua.

It feels really a lot like spring when you ride a bicycle through fields. I love that and can’t wait for spring to happen in Winnipeg. This is my extra spring. And it’s out here in the country, the healthy (though smoggy) country. There’s a dedicated steam train for the coal power plant that goes in or out at least once an hour. The first time it steamed through the flock of waiguoren to the crossing made me feel like part of a flock of waiguoren.

And we passed a bridge/pipeline crossing the river and went to William’s soccer field and got back to the school. All pictured up and ready to eat at the Christian Lady’s restaurant. Which was great. We eat so much for so little money and at the end the Jia Chang Doufu arrives, mercifully unsweet.

In the afternoon I found where I was sleeping and hung around with Dan. When we headed out to see downtown Jiangyou we occupied the back of the bus and William played tourguide and yields through stop signs and the Mall Mart. We wandered through the church behind the Mall Mart and the markets and saw the Car Bar where they may stage boxing or ultimate fighting. There’s a park along the canal where we saw a Tibetan guy in a cowboy hat hawking medicines to people with hands open empty plastic bags. I wasn’t allowed to take pictures of them and later Holly talked to someone and only found out they were from Tibet. Then we headed through winding markets with shoes and locks and stuff down to the statue of Li Bai who never refused wine. Because of his Taoist inclinations.

Dinner at a Muslim restaurant after losing everybody. We certainly are a group that doesn’t wait around for everyone to be ready. Dan was in the bathroom and emerged to find an empty apartment when the downtown excursion had begun. At Li Bai after examining the benches with no seats, only bolts Dan and I looked up and saw a receding cloud of foreigners. We caught up and left Darryl behind and then when we hit the canal we lost the Benders as well. We met up with William who’d gone to find Deb. And eventually we were in contact with everyone and ate another huge heap of food. My guts are so full of Sichuanny goodness.

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