Tag Archives: philosophizing

school’s in

And I’m back. At school. And the constant theme of the first day was “We don’t want to overwhelm you with information here…” so I ended up underwhelmed. I mean, it’s nice that they’re easing us into it. Hooray for not having a shit-tonne of stuff to do for tomorrow. But. I’ve been saving up my doing-stuff energy for being back at school. I’ve done one or fewer things per day for like the last four years, so I’m actually kind of ready to get shit happening. Holly’s on the other side of the continent (/planet in a couple of weeks) so I’m actually kind of okay with not having a life and being busy till December. That makes time pass faster, right?

Tomorrow I’ll bike to school for the first time. Hopefully my legs won’t give out completely. I figure it’ll be a month of feeling like shit and then I’ll be in somewhat of a groove and it’ll be not terrible (apart from the rain).

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that was a long goddamned day

I’ve been reading 2666 but because it’s divided into five parts, I’ve been breaking it up with other (lighter) books in between. (I owe you teeming handfuls a review of American Gods; it’s coming.) Right now I’m reading The City and the City and I just love it. It’s about a crime that happens in a city where there’s another city right there sharing the same streets but they’re in different countries and in each city you aren’t allowed to see (or interact with) the things that are happening in the other. Things aren’t invisible; you are not allowed to see them. If you look at someone/thing in the other city too closely you’ve broken the rules and the all-powerful group that deals with Breaches comes and takes you away. Possibly to kill you, but I’m not done the book yet (I’ll review it for reals when I am).

This organization, Breach, is so powerful they could act with utter impunity, but if it’s not an emergency they have to follow the rules and be asked to handle things. I like this common idea of powerful entities having rules to follow. Vampires can’t cross running water. Police need a warrant. Breach must be asked. But. I don’t care about the little guy breaking the rules. In fact, I expect it, and get sort of sad when the powerless person doesn’t try doing something other than follow the rules. I’m having a weird time with how few people agitate against Breach in The City and the City. There are some, but I keep on wanting to shout at everyone, “You can see things! You shouldn’t have to unsee them!” But it’s a book and the characters (thus far) are well enmeshed in their setting.

A lot of fiction I read deals with the individual and celebrates the individual, especially in the face of power. For example, there’s an article I linked to a long time back about Murakami always wanting to be on the side of the egg not the wall, and you know how I feel about Murakami stories. Yesterday I watched a National Film Board movie from the 60′s called “Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Leonard Cohen.” He was all young and bright-eyed. In one bit Pierre Berton is trying to get young Leonard Cohen to say what he stands for, what great idea drives him, what issue burns in his soul. And Leonard Cohen says, “No idea; I just check if I’m in a state of grace.” His companion explains that Leonard Cohen is talking about the task of the individual to live one’s own life, but Leonard Cohen is sort of dismissive. I like that.

Of course, it’s easy to “identify” with the powerless when you’re a white guy with a beard and a Mac.

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paucity of posting

My internet here today has been really intermittent. Not time-wise, but site-wise. Some sites I can get to; some remind me of China. I blame the cold. The cold is also hampering the rest of my productivity, hence the lack of interesting posting going on. I do encourage you to read my vagabondscrawl site (or its feed), which has links to things I’m reading at least. My numb little fingers don’t need to work as hard to share stuff as they do to type intelligibly.

But I learned that two of my friends are going back to Nanchong this month. Holly I knew about, but Phil too! This extra incentive means sometime this year I’ll probably end up out there for a visit. Especially since Sean and I didn’t manage to see Phil on our trip to Amerrica this fall. Maybe I’d be able to take the train up to Tibet this time around…

Had a good chat with Holly today. She’s off visiting people in various non-Virginian states, and she said something I understood so much I’m reproducing it here without her consent: “I could feel myself snap into pay-attention mode as soon as we got on the road out of Harrisonburg.” I do so love that feeling, how it happens and you stop foggy living and go into the real stuff.

On a good day I can hit that without going somewhere new. I wrote a story at 3am the other day moments after snapping out of a dream, and I had that feeling. There’s a wall I used to bike past in September and October that at a certain time of day reflected so much warmth at me it always felt like a new thing. Last night walking home from work in the cold a dog got mad at me walking and barked and barked all mad from its confined backyard and I got all those primal goosebumps of fear. There are those moments, but man pay-attention mode is a lot easier to do when you’re somewhere else. And all your calories aren’t going directly into staying warm.

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i’ve seen … to make a little money

The previous post should not be taken as indicative of my mental health. I am capable of realizing that if this company wants me to teach children there are probably others that would not require such thing. I’m diversifying my options, not marrying the first girl I sleep with, all that jazz. This is the calming realization I had at work today. And it’s dumb of course but was something I didn’t alize the first time. So don’t worry, if you’re the type to. I’m not melting into a puddle quite as much as it may have sounded.

Plus I figured out my Dean Moriarty/Captain Ahab for the China book. Which feels really really good. I’d talk more about that now but I’ve had a couple of beers (thank you Reyn) and I want to get it down in fresh type in the morning. Clearly and unmuffled.

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when the calendars stopped

In the truck on my way to work from afternoon Necromunda (huzzah for Dave being on Spring break) I was talking about how I’d had my current bed “for ten years. Yeah, since grade 9.” Whereupon it was pointed out that ten years ago I was actually in grade 12.

The problem is I still feel it’s 2004.

When I see books at work labelled with a 2006 or 2007 there’s a part of my brain that realizes it’s not 2004 but I can feel it having to rationalize it every time with thoughts like “Wow that was fast” as if those years had just begun and I could be excused for finding them new and exciting.

I don’t know how to solve this. Maybe I need to leave the country again for a calendar year or two. At least that might imprint 2008 on my brain so I’m stuck a little closer to the present.

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back through the glass

So I’ve been quiet here for a few days. Just thinking about stuff I suppose. One of the things I was thinking about was an exchange my mom had with someone last week (which she told me about). It was about me and one of my female friends. I have female friends you see. Ones who (for the most part) are my friends in exactly the same ways as my guy friends are (though they tend to not be as fond of geeky games).

But last week a third party told my mom that she was a fool to think nothing was going on between me and one of these friends (let’s call her Zelda though that’s not her real name). Mom protested that Zelda and I were just friends and that the two of us being romantickal would be like her getting romantickal with her (married, female, heterosexual) best friend.

“Pshaw!” came the reply. “Give them enough alcohol and they’ll get together!” And I suppose that might be true. We’ll see soon I guess.

On a completely unrelated note, I worked in Transcona earlier this week. Talk about places that make me feel like I’m travelling, Geez. I had to check a map, and ask for directions and even got on the wrong bus. In the rain. Oh those travel centres in the brain fired but good though.

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suspended animation

It’s possible you’ve noticed the lack of pingouink updates recently. I think it’s getting put on a hiatus for a while. I’ve got other things I need to work on. While I don’t think I’ve exhausted the potential there, I’m feeling like it is devolving steadily. And it’s not like anyone reads it anyway.

Actually, I’m finding myself drawn more and more to the backstory of the comic, the discovery and history of the unnamed French artist who got it to be a critical success. I’ll end up using the material somewhere, I’m sure. Look for a bi-weekly drawn by me comic in the next month or two. I’m not saying you’ll find it, but look.

Today at work I felt that I’ve got to produce something to justify my slack life right now. My friends are talking theses, PhDs, foreign grad schools and other productive things. While I’m stacking books. I’m not in competition with them or anything; I just feel a bit left out. I could be doing that, couldn’t I? I like to think I’ve rejected that of my own choice. That I’ve chosen to be a monk in the basement, typing away when I’m not too scared to.

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and … scene

And we have realized that no one actually thought the music situation was a big deal. Rachael just stopped by to let me know that she was sorry for making it seem like it was a big deal to her. She said she was trying to “read” me too much and thought I thought it was a big deal to play my music in the living room and/or wait till 10am. While I thought the whole thing was stupid.

It seems she’s used to people who find stupid things to be a huge problem. I, of course, am arrogant enough to consider lots of (most?) things stupid. I can try dressing that up in some sort of Eastern non-attachment/sense of humour dressing, but the practical side of it is that when most things are stupid you realize lasting anger is also stupid. Now I just get casually mad, fleetingly maybe. But then I realize that that’s how everything is and it goes away.

So yeah. Hopefully that’s the end of the Rachael-fuelled blogging for a while. Till she starts working night-shifts and we get to argue over what’s suitable household daytime activity. But that’s months away.

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never brought to light?

Hi there twenty aught sev. I wonder if you will impress yourself upon my consciousness. I only bring this up because in my head if I’m thinking of when something recent happened, I always assume it’s 2004. Now it’s obvious why that would be, since 2004 was when I left the uncleland, but I wonder if that’ll be a permanent thing, that everything I ever think of will be based on a pre/post-2004 calendar.

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i’m just a passin’ through

I’ve been sitting on this post for a bit. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be too, I don’t know. Something. Creepy?

The other night was Sean’s birthday and about a million people’s coming home parties. All at the King’s Head Pub (tavern? I am unsure). John pointed it out to me but I agree that it was really weird to be on the welcoming side of the Welcome Home party. And at some point in the evening I was talking to someone and realized that almost every reason I’d want to be in Winnipeg was in one room. There were a few notable exceptions (which I will refrain from noting and it won’t mean you’re not important) but on the whole, if a bomb had gone off there that night and I was the only survivor it would have been truly apocalyptic.

My first phrasing of this idea was that almost all of Winnipeg showed up at that party. The Winnipeg I care about and that is my home, I mean. My home has a population of about forty people. Everything else is just the rest of the world. Which isn’t to dismiss all that everything; I love being everywhere else. But more than ever I can see why some people wouldn’t ever leave, even though I still feel like a failure for coming back.

Did I mention I got that job with the Winnipeg Public Library? January 10th I start.

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